The first step of manipulation is to find out your emotional concerns/ unfulfilled needs, and then pose what seems an innocent succinct question asked “simply out of curiosity”. Neurological science is why it’s extremely powerful and the results are undetected control in others. When they are not involved or have no standing to ask ( such as the reason you are moving, your feelings about your new boss, or relationship dynamic choices you have with your family) before you answer, consider that in order for a person to conceptualization any question their brain had a purpose for asking or they couldn’t have even thought of the question. Curious questions are rarely aimless curiosity; in some way, they benefit the Questioner. I’m a positive person and not suggesting you be suspicious of everyone; simply be armed with wisdom should you need it.
Questions trigger a mental reflex: Research shows “Questions trigger a mental reflex known as “instinctive elaboration.” When a question is posed, it takes over the brain’s thought process. And when your brain is thinking about the answer to a question, it can’t contemplate anything else. For example: What color is your house? After reading that question, what were you thinking about? The obvious answer is the color of your house… it has profound implications.” It makes you consider the subject and opens you up to influence. “The question momentarily hijacked your thought process and focused it entirely… You didn’t consciously tell your brain to think about that; it just did so automatically. Questions are powerful. Not only does hearing a question affect what our brains do in that instant, it can also shape our future behavior.” That has a powerful impact on your decisions. The question can serve as a neurological seed for the Questioner to cause you to grow doubt about your past decisions and future decision-making ability.
“Behavioral scientists have also found…a phenomenon known as the “mere measurement effect.” In a study “…with more than 40,000 participants that revealed that simply asking someone if people were going to purchase a new car within six months increased their purchase rates by 35%.”
“Questions are so ingrained in human communication that it’s easy to underestimate their impact on our brains. Yet science has proven that they’re an effective tool for strengthening connections between people and gaining influence.”
“Questions can act as a catalyst for our brains to change and move forward with new insight.” When you ask a question … the entire brain gets active as it reflects, releasing serotonin (allowing it to relax). This encourages gathering intelligence from all areas of the brain, allowing for more insight than would happen if you provided solutions to others. New neuronal connections begin to be made as the brain moves closer to finding solutions. As serotonin is released, a rush of energy (or insight) occurs as the brain fires up, moving ahead and discovering the solutions to a problem…The person who is the recipient of the question becomes motivated and ready to do something.“
And they do. They will continue to gain your trust while manipulating you in minute ways to test your awareness and receptiveness. Then, that initial question will eventually (when they fully have your trust and you rely on them for a relationship) be the pivot point of the first major power play. The power play will be rooted in:1) you proving you trust them, 2) by making a big decision, or change, in your previous values, desires, or expressed wants ( usually the opposite of what you first held dearest of all when you met them), and 3) you make that decision in absence of the people you trust ( whether by a tight deadline or by making you believe that it would be to your determinate to discuss it with the person in whom you usually relied on for advice, 4) with reasons why not seeing the issue as they present it to you will have a negative impact on you or is in your best interest.
Whether in a business deal, or personal relationship, manipulation is not smarter, just more subtle. It always follows a pattern. You think you are having a unique authentic relationship, but the manipulation in it is predictable. So, while it can be hard to see while it’s happening to you, it is easily identified by questioning their motive and then documenting the pattern of the next steps.
Later posts will talk about the steps of emotional control and how they cycle to keep you in the loop they created. For now, understand that the words from the Manipulator will be from the face of 1) Master, 2) Savior, 3) Victim. These three faces enlist your emotions to hold their emotions in higher esteem than you do your own needs, to make you more connected to and dependant on them; with the implication that they are the source of your fulfilled needs and desires or protection from stressors, concerns, and fears.
The time to walk out is when you have the first inkling that something may be wrong and you aren’t sure what is wrong…go with your gut, backtrack and remember the questions that were posed innocently to you at first- or perhaps it was a question (that involved you) but was posed to another in your presence. When you have identified a question that involved you (and it is now the basis of an issue causing you to doubt someone or something that you once held dear) if it is later made a big deal for which you have a big decision to make, call “BINGO!” ( especially if you have been isolated from those you trust for advice) you most likely are being manipulated.
The need for cognitive closure (a social psychological term that describes an individual’s desire for a firm answer to a question and an aversion toward ambiguity) and the fact that as individuals we may be compelled, consciously or unconsciously, to obtain information prematurely and irrespective of content, as well as avoid people and thoughts that we perceive as contrary to our immediate happiness, can cause us to agree with manipulation, even when we know it doesn’t feel completely right. We take a chance and a ” let’s wait and see” if it gets worse stance. The problem with giving in to manipulation instead of making the hard choice to not take the chance is that manipulation robs you of your free will so slowly that you wake up one day far from who you wanted to be no one day is ever ” so bad” to cause you to leave. That is why is it subtle.
Again, it’s a classic strategy, subtle, not smarter than you. The serpent was more subtle than others is how the story goes….
Subtle: (especially of a change or distinction) so delicate or precise as to be difficult to analyze or describe, delicately complex and understated, making use of clever and indirect methods to achieve something, capable of making fine distinctions, arranged in an ingenious and elaborate way.
Eve’s manipulation is the pattern: 1) curious question from someone who had no place to pose the question; 2) minute concessions/ agreements of thought to gain trust; 3) told couldn’t trust what she knew before; 4) was asked to make a decision, in absence of her trusted sounding board, because there was a stated personal benefit and a negative consequence to not to accept it as it was presented to her; 4) isolated her completely to gain control & in doing so, secured the point of separating her from who she perceived herself to be, and the decline in who she was. In short, her free will was neurologically hijacked by the question.
STOP and ASK yourself why this pivoting issue NEEDS to be an issue, or a decision made to ” see it their way”, at all. The issue will be presented as them ” saving you”, and you prove your trust or loyalty to them at the same time. Was this an issue before they pointed it out? Instead of making a decision on your own, press into someone you trust who knows your history- talking with a therapist that does not have a history with you runs the risk of you presenting the ” facts ” from the controller’s point of view ( the thoughts most recently forming connection in your brain) in which case the therapist may incorrectly agree with the Controler. Controllers are good at presenting facts so that even the closest people to you will be susceptible to doubting you and believing the Controller’s version of ” facts”. Proceed by consulting with one or two people that have proven to have your back and best interest, especially if the person who is in Control is wanting you to doubt someone closest to you because the ultimate purpose of the first big powerplay is to isolate you so you reply completely on them.
Getting out is easy since you are only tied up in it by your own thoughts and emotions. Once you allow yourself to clearly see it, you will probably be devastated to know it happened. This is the main reason for leaving early on even if you have doubts. Everyone, if they stay, loses who they were before; they become emotionally harmed. Use anger over the lack of respect for your unconditional right to your own thoughts to propel you to leave in silence, otherwise, your emotions will keep you cycling in loops for a while longer; not trusting yourself. 1 in 7 men and 1 in 4 women are the targets of emotional control and they on average leave 7 times before it’s ” for good”. It is best to walk away and work through your doubts without the Manipulator’s influence. I know because I have experienced it first hand and studied it to be more astute and a really good negotiator for my clients.
Operating around the clock, seven days a week, confidential and free of cost, the National Domestic Violence Hotline provides lifesaving tools and immediate support to enable victims to find safety and live lives free of abuse. Callers to The Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) can expect highly trained, experienced advocates to offer compassionate support, crisis intervention information, educational services, and referral services in more than 200 languages. Visitors to this site can find information about domestic violence, online instructional materials, safety planning, local resources, and ways to support the organization.
If you desire to be a seller or buyer of real estate, always employ a professional who understands the tactics manipulation, and strategies of negotiation to give you invaluable insight into negotiating a contract for sale and purchase.
L.Alexia Clemens, Broker of White Brick Real Estate, Certified Negotiations Expert (CNE) & Real Estate Collaboration Specialist- Divorce ( RCS-D)
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